Fartlog

2007-01-17T21:37:00.001-05:00

FARTLOG.COM

2007-01-12T21:57:00.000-05:00

We're back. Fartlog.com will soon be live. The Dartmouth Revue lives. While many of us took a year off to work at the Heritage Foundation and the American Enterprise Institute, we're back at Dartmouth, and we have a mandate to bring you analysis and opinion worthy of the reputation for refined journalism that we have earned over our lofty history.

It's nice to be back working on the Revue. We were getting restless.

On the state of Fartlog

2006-02-10T16:26:00.000-05:00

As some of you have noticed, Fartlog has been pretty much dead for the past few months. And as some of you have also noticed, it's mainly due to the fact that there ain't much material to work with. Dartlog is dead, and it was the only game in town that offered any challenge. I could make fun of Joe's Daftblog, but that would be cruel.

It was fun while it lasted. If anybody is interested in turning this blog into something different or becoming a contributor, leave a comment. I've considered actually posting a few non-satirical posts, but I'm not sure if anybody wants to read that.

Oh. My. God. Hilarious.

2005-12-21T19:39:00.000-05:00

Sirs,

I was going to make a satire of this post, but, to be quite honest, I wouldn't know where to begin. My God. I'll just leave that one be. The melodramatic image makes it even better. On second thought, it's just too good to pass up. Give me some time to think about how to approach this one. The material's just so perfect, I don't want to waste even one bit of it.

I'm glad that Mr. Malchow has been following my guide to writing.

Yours truly,
JED III

Major Editorial Flop in the Daily Dartmouth

2005-11-29T15:05:00.000-05:00

Per usual, the final edition of The Dartmouth this term contained a brazen editorial mishap. From the article on the new neuroscience center at Dartmouth:

Local teachers, researchers and students involved in the center will work to understand the mechanisms in the brain that affect learning and develop new learning techniques for teaching students in kindergarten through twelfth grade.

Clearly, "develop new learning techniques for teaching students in kindergarten through twelfth grade" is a clause independent from "work to understand the mechanisms in the brain that affect learning," and should thereby be separated by a comma. The Daily D, in its never-ending PC quest to avoid controversy of any sort, apparently does not want to distinguish between the two clauses for fear of reprisal from the overtly Communist college administration's "non"-codes regarding speech.

Moreover, "kindergarten," being a borrowed German noun, must be capitalized, as it has always been. The Daily D, of course, doesn't care much for tradition.

Only One Week Away

2005-11-29T15:01:00.000-05:00

If you're in a somnolent mood next Monday and actually know what somnolent means, don't forget to tune in to Dean Carol Folt's "webcast" about "the" state of undergraduate education at Dartmouth at 8 o'clock post meridiem.

The webcast also promises appearances by Trustee Al Mulley '70 and Alumni Council President Rick Routhier '73.

Free Speech Clarification

2005-10-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

There has been a recent humadoo with regard to The Revue's strong criticism of "Professor" Ronald Edsforth's criticisms of a recent discussion on the subject of the legitimacy of torture. Some of Dartmouth's more colorful whacko-liberals have pointed to what they perceive to be the "fact" that The Revue only supports free speech when it is ideologically convenient -- absolute rubbish, of course. It is true that we stand up for the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, be it to decry the audacious injustice of the College preventing us from distributing our vaunted paper to the underwear drawers of students on campus, to righteously prevent the free and open discussion of torture from being stopped, or to expose the College's undefined speech codes as the insidious encroachment upon American values by the PC-Nazi (it is a fact that Nazis were tolerant and politically-correct) conspirators of the Illuminati that they are.

But is this enough to convince our detractors that our good paper stands up for all that is Good and Godly? Of course not -- nothing would stop their endless banshee-shrill. They point to the fact that, when it comes to causes that we don't agree with or that don't serve the selfish needs of our paper, we are not so quick to stand up for the mighty values of this country. Nay, they even claim that, quite to the contrary, indeed, we can be apt to silence them! Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! What of discussions on gender issues? Diversity? Protests against apartheid? Why don't we rise to the occasion when these are the subject of campus dialogue? they ask. When the College hosts a discussion on sexual assault, or when there is a sexual education festival, for instance, the loony pinkos assert that our pages are filled with scorn and derision, that we mock the very presence of such interlocution. Fie! Fie! Our resentment comes not from the fact that we do not agree with the libertine nature of such events. To be quite honest, it is rather that we never get laid, so we haven't much need for them --

-- Excuse me, Mr. Lansky has just informed me that my rosé polo is drastically clashing with the brown sea otters embroidered into my salmon-colored shorts. I must go.

Dartmouth on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

2005-10-29T13:00:00.000-04:00

Link.

Early 80s TONIGHT

2005-10-21T17:32:00.000-04:00

11:00 at Sigma Nu.

Apparently, there's going to be a "pillow fight night" at SigEp around 8:30.

BREAKING NEWS: GOVERNMENTS NEVER LIE!

2005-10-10T21:07:00.000-04:00

Ever. Via Joe's Daftblog.

Injuns vs. Columbus

2005-10-10T14:20:00.000-04:00

Apparently upset with an event that led to the slavery and mass extermination of millions of people, members of Native Americans at Dartmouth are protesting the celebration of Columbus Day on the Green with their annual midnight drum circle.

New TDR Online

2005-10-09T12:14:00.000-04:00

The newest issue of The Dartmouth Review, the College's only independent alumni newsletter, is available online. In this issue:

--More boring and unoriginal opinions about Noah Riner's boring and unoriginal convocation speech
--A recycled article from nearly a decade ago
--A surprising interview with a partisan Republican
--Something artsy
--Plus, all the stuff that you usually skip because it's just taking up white space

A Guide to Writing

2005-10-08T13:26:00.000-04:00

All the world knows that one's intelligence is measured mostly by how one constructs one's sentences; and the quality of one's sentences relies not merely on grammar and syntax, but also on the strength of one's vocabulary. Of course, grammar and syntax are of the most paramount import; however, this fact should be obvious to most readers, i.e. it is better to say "the quality of one's sentences relies not merely on grammar and syntax" than "how good your sentences are depends on how good you spell and where you put your words." The latter is base and plebian; the former is like a finely constructed labyrinth.

It is for this reason that I shall focus on vocabulary; quite clearly, there is no doubt that, as I have said, grammar and syntax are capital. The strength of one's vocabulary, I will argue, has a strong positive correlation with the strength of one's intellect; those who demonstrate this are proving to us readers the high quality of their mind. In order to best display one's grasp of the vast vocabulary that language offers man, certain general rules are available:

1. When there exists a French word where an Anglo-Saxon word would do just fine, always use the French word. Example: instead of using the word 'embarrassment,' employ 'contretemps.' Knowing readers will smirk with approval, and laymen will be awe-struck by your savoir-faire.

2. When there exists a contemporary English or American word, employ an antiquated English or British word. Example: instead of using 'savior,' use 'saviour.' Still better: instead of using a modern insult, use an antiquated one, like 'cur' or 'knave.' Common readers will assume that you are very well educated, while those who read Shakespeare will be quite pleased.

3. This rule supercedes rules (1) and (2) where appropriate. When you can employ a Latin word or phrase instead of a non-Latin one, always do so. Italian works, as well. Therefore, instead of calling something a 'mess,' call it an 'imbroglio.' Most people will be amazed at your intellectual fortitude; those of us who have a few Italian operas memorized will have a happy surprise.

These three rules should guide you in your writings if you seek to impress les autres and prove that you are an intelligent individual; otherwise, readers may simply write you off as a base and mangy cur, or some other unsavoury type. Avoid such an imbroglio by following this simple guide to writing, and I assure you that you will have The Revue knocking on your door with an offer for an editorial position.

New Issue of the Neocon Out!

2005-10-07T16:07:00.000-04:00

A new issue of The Dartmouth Neocon, a glossy, partisan, fundamentalist Christian magazine that hopes to one day rival The Revue, has been published. In this issue:

Melissa Rudd '08 introduces freshmen to the frightening pinko-Communist nature of life at Dartmouth, with the insightful and original division of the College into "liberal" and "conservative" halves.

Veronica DeZayas '08 argues that the U.S. embargo on Cuban goods and against companies that trade with Cuba should be lifted; she claims that it's unfortunate that we couldn't have been as successful with Cuba as we have been with Iraq and Afghanistan, bastions of democracy and capitalism.

Joe Malchow '08 talks about some guy who's been dead for quite some time, as if anybody cared. I didn't bother to read it, but I'm sure that it had a lot of antiquated English, anglophilic fetishisms, and clichéd French phrases partout. I forward Mr. Malchow to George Orwell's essay on how not to be a terrible writer.

Diane Ellis '08 argues that her stay in Russia proves that no one is allowed to smile in a Communist country.

Self-proclaimed "ConservaDiva" Amanda Morris '06 sagely claims that freshmen must resist the temptation to label themselves.

The editors address an editorial to a meteorological phenomenon.

The "Hippie Culture"; Or, True Love and Imprudence in Georgia

2005-10-05T11:47:00.000-04:00

If there is one thing that I cannot stomach, it is a "hipster," or, as a modern neo-layman might say, a "hippie." Upon my return to Dartmouth after a summer spent at my father's firm, and after a week's stay at a psychoanalytical clinic in Austria-Hungary for onanism treatments, I am afraid that I may again suffer a nervous collapse. "Hippies" are everywhere, and they stand against everything that America stands for, namely Good and Godliness and such things. They are sinful libertines who care more about what image they craft of themselves than the reality of the world around them. I must say that I find "hippies" to be very unpleasant, do not wish to ever be in their company, and find their obsession over their "hippie culture" so putrid and ludicrous, that it makes me want to vomit and chuckle at the same time.

If it is not their "tie-dye" shirts, it is their long, unwashed hair; or, as far as the women are concerned, their veritable corporal propensity of hair. But as Cicero once wrote, Nunc est bibendum! Such is their ways. I suppose that the one fortunate consolation that I receive out of their unhappy ontological reality is the fact that they only serve to re-affirm my own personal beliefs and moeurs.

One will never witness a Dexterhouse attempting to model himself after some silly image. I wear my olive boat shoes, salmon shorts, and maroon polo because they are comfortable and agree with my tastes, not because I think that it gives me an air of superiority, decency, cleanliness, sophistication, intelligence, wisdom, aristocracy, and wealth, among a great many other wonderful things. It is true that you will never see me underdressed, but I swear to the Lord Almighty that my reasons for habillement are not so weak and superficial as those of the "hippies"; it is comfortable to wear khakis, argyle socks, brown leather shoes, and a pink polo draped with a white sweater on a swelteringly hot day! I find the heat to be most pleasing, and the perspiration allows me to use my embroidered handkerchief generously.

Someone such as myself is generally far too refined to lower himself to the level of the "hippie," who lives for an image and nothing more, a rebel without a cause. I wear a bow-tie not because I think that it carries with it a certain weight or image, but because I find them to be very fashionable (even if others might disagree). I am an individual, and I live to my tastes. The fact that my tastes mirror those of the Roaring Twenties is not of import; what matters is that I am better than the "hippie," in that I do not categorize myself or attach myself to some silly and superficial image. I am a Dexterhouse, after all.

Good day, gentlemen.

Reefer

2005-10-04T23:31:00.000-04:00

This reefer madness must be stopped immediately.

A Relaxing Break

2005-09-19T21:40:00.000-04:00

The holiday has been soothing. I have found myself delving into the sinful pleasures of onanism; I shall have to visit a psychoanalyst very soon. How can I help myself when the walls of my home are covered with portraits of Ronald Reagan and J. Edgar Hoover?

Betrayal!

2005-09-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

Well speaking of tolerance for those of a homosexual disposition by nature (see Mr. Dexterhouse III's entry below) until a cure comes along, woe to our adversaries at the Review/Dartlog. They use the issue of homosexuality to discuss the pulling of Brian Ellner '92's television campaign ad for Manhattan borough president. Yes there is that mark of disease at birth, that mark of homosexuality, in Ellner's embrace of his same-sex partner. We all know, though, that the real issue at hand with the ad involved the pictures of our Great Leader partially unclothed in a fake picture. We have had our differences, but has the Review really turned to the side of liberal communists in recognizing the issue of homosexuality in Ellner's ad? This is an attack on our sacred leader, by God, not an illegal rally protesting non-discrimination! If the Revue must stand alone for all things decent, so be it.

Divine love, human love, fag love

2005-08-30T01:19:00.000-04:00

I must commend Mr. Joe Malchow, the spring-rollish mastermind behind Joe's Daftblog, for his wise insights on the nature of homosexuality. He notes that one Jeff Harrell "makes the point that [homosexuality] is a mental disorder." You see, it has become fashionable for sodomites to claim that their perversion is the result of their birth, or at least is an innate characteristic. Harrell takes it a step further by properly noting that homosexuality is no different from a mental disorder like depression.

Malchow writes that gayness "changes one's carnal preferences for the worse, causing a person to fail in the only real goal any of us have: to create another human." Indeed. Things like evolutionary altruism, kin selection, group selection, and gender are the brainchilds of the Communistic scientific community, which is full of Leftist radicals who will stop at nothing in order to destroy everything that our society holds dear.

Let's trust scientific and philosophical enquiry to the bloggers, and revel in the blophisms (blogomaniac + sophism = blophism = very clever!) of our nation's most mediocre minds. Bravo to both Mr. Malchow and Mr. Harrell for further expopsing the dark designs of the Marxian Bakuninists who are attempting to subvert the kinds of good American values that have kept this country strong and will keep this country strong for a bajillion more years.

The key is not in hating gays. You can't blame them for their mental disorder. Would you ever condone "bipolar-bashing" or depressophobia? Surely not! Let's give our Christian love to the gays and hope and pray that, some day, creation-scientists will discover that which dogmatic, socialist, and academic "scientists" have yet to have even begun searching for: a cure for homosexuality.

Now, I had always thought that the best cure for gays was an awkward paternal thrashing every now and then (this seemed to work between my father and my estranged brother, Nancy George Dexterhouse). I will trust that Mr. Malchow and Mr. Harrell are on to something, however, and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Paint Ourselves For War!

2005-08-11T13:29:00.000-04:00

The controversy surrounding the NCAA's decision to ban the use of Indian team names and mascots from postseason competition continues, as Jaye La Vallee writes a letter to the Daily Dartmouth and Kenneth Woodward weighs in on Opinion Journal.

I applaud Mr. Woodword for standing up for what is right. Mr. La Vallee is wrong to suggest that things like the Dartmouth Indian Cheer are insensitive:

Dart-MUTH Indians, I-N-D-I-A-N-S
Wah-Hoo-Wah, Wah-Hoo-Wah, Scalp 'Em!

Doesn't this little cheer, after all, reflect the beastial fierceness of the noble savage that is the Indian? Mr. La Vallee should be proud of his roots. I for one am proud of my Anglo-Saxon ancestry; I cannot imagine why someone like Mr. La Vallee would be upset that his culture and history are lumped under the amorphous banner of "Indians" and hoisted on flagpoles and painted on giant, foam fingers across the country. It's as if, not long ago, we had an extensive, state-sanctioned campaign to exterminate all remants of his people, and then to assimilate them into our own culture! What tom-foolery is this? It's time for him to stop being such a liberal wussy and take it like the proud, strong-willed, fierce Indian that he is.

New Jersey Photoblogging

2005-08-09T13:57:00.000-04:00

Here is a picture of beautiful Trenton, New Jersey:

And the lovely Jersey Shore:

Growing up in southwestern Connecticut, I was always forbidden to talk about New Jersey. Even mentioning the name of America's armpit was considered uncouth and would result in twelve hours with the dunce cap.

Gallant After Dinner Party in the Inner Sanctum

2005-08-07T22:28:00.000-04:00

Paul J. being pecked and gnawed on by two ladies from The Dartmouth Neocon, Dartmouth's RNC newsletter.

W. Thurston looking gregarious.

It was a magical evening!

Erased!

2005-08-07T18:18:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow of Daftblog recently lamented that he had been taken off Hugh Hewitt's blogroll, believing (correctly) that his sole iota of "blog-o-sphere" prestige came from a tiny link on an actually worthwhile weblog.

However, Malchow is under the mistaken impression that his removal was an accident. We at Fartlog have learned the real reason for the omission: Hewitt's good sense.

Independence

2005-08-07T10:56:00.000-04:00

I have always taken certain pride in The Revue's maxim that we are Dartmouth's Only Independent Newspaper. Unlike The Dartmouth Free Press, which greedily suckles from the Communistic teet of the College (and, as an unhappy consequence, the Dexterhouse family trust fund), The Revue is completely independent from the College. Indeed, the College couldn't wait to kick us off campus, forcing us to relocate to a Main Street office that costs thousands of dollars a month. Even the The Daily Dartmouth, which is a bastion of tradition at the College, is contingent on funding from the school.

But we are independent. We don't accept any money from the College; unlike The Free Press, which, pursuant to its organizational contract with the College, is more or less a shrill, left-wing mouthpiece for the Wright administration's policy, Maoism, the Khmer Rouge, the Communist Party USA, the KGB, and Foley House, we can print what we want, no strings attached. Our pages are burgeoning with the free thought of independent minds and clear thinkers.

Of course, there is the fact that most of our funding comes from wealthy, conservative, geriatric Dartmouth alumni. Some people of baser ilk might suggest that this, in fact, forces us to be a sensationalist magazine whose stories focus on exciting the passions of our support base. What these people woefully neglect is the clear, obvious, and indisputable fact that we are independent from the College. This makes us Dartmouth's only independent newspaper. So what if we need to satisfy a quota of references to liberal academia destroying society, the Dartmouth Injuns, the degradation of social mores, and the evil, Marxist conspiracies of the College administration -- we are independent from the College. We are an independent newspaper. Our focus is not skewed in any direction.

This is why I am proud to work for our prestigious publication. This is what makes The Revue such a driving force. It is our independence, our free thought, and the fact that our financial support comes from a very rich, vocal, and greying minority as opposed to a faceless college administration.

The Dartmouth Revue On The Endtimes

2005-08-06T23:59:00.000-04:00

Theorizing on the coming apocalypse during a showing of "T3: Judgement Day"...

M.G.H. Brantley, Jr.: "No, it's going to be one of those dumb fucks at MIT researching artificial intelligence."

Grafs Strike Again

2005-08-05T08:34:00.000-04:00

This time, they're after Bob Novak.

What irks me more is the second graf of the article...

Apparently, he isn't a very pleasant graf.

A Gender-Confused Blogomaniac

2005-08-04T11:56:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Joe Malchow '08, the quasi-cylindrical creator of Joe's Dartblog (an online journal in which he reaffirms his patriotism and recounts to us which articles he read in the news each morning), is a little gender-confused. He thinks that the following professors are "ladies":

- Michael Dietrich
- Jonathan Crewe
- Martin Favor
- Thomas Luxon
- Jon McKenzie
- Mark Williams
- Walter Simons
- Leo Spitzer
- John Kopper
- Michael Bronski

If anybody has any of those sex diagrams from sixth grade health class lying around, send one his way.

Mulsims' Attempts For Peace Foiled By German Counts

2005-07-31T09:04:00.000-04:00

Via Daftblog. Apparently, the Grafs of Germany are obstructing the calls of some Muslims for peace and understanding. While some Muslims have condemned the recent attacks in London, "it is severely tempered by the next graf [sic]." Who this Graf is (it could be Graf Votze, or perhaps Graf Scheisse), and whether he is joined by the Herizogs and other counts and earls, has yet to be ascertained. The story is developing.

This would not be the first time that the German aristocracy has attempted to halt the spread of peace. I self-importantly and haughtily call on the German nobles to quit their meddling in the War on Terror. And they will listen to me, because I have a blog. Bloggers of the World, Unite!

God Bless The Government Agents Who Are Holding Me Incommunicado And Are Currently Probing My Anus

2005-07-27T00:39:00.000-04:00

I just passed through Newark International airport, now known as Liberty (I paused for a moment to contemplate the sign that reads "Welcome to Liberty"; needless to say, I couldn't help but tear up), last Friday and again on Sunday (unfortunately, I was unable to blog at this time. I deeply apologize for this and hope that I did not inconvenience anybody or alter your morning or afternoon routines. Simply because I sometimes cannot blog does not mean that I do not fully understand the responsibility that I have and the heavy burden that I carry on my shoulders; I know that you are lost without me. Worry not, my little flock, for I shall always be here, and when I am not, I'll dutifully notify you in a cursory post). I said "thanks" to all of the TSA agents I came across, but perhaps I shouldn't have gone so far.

You see, the TSA agent was about to let me pass through security. I clasped her hand tightly, looked her in the eye, and forcefully said, "Thank you. Thank you for your hard work and all that you are doing for this great nation." She gave me a disturbed look and attempted to take her hand away. I let go, and she motioned towards the exit, saying that I was free to go. "But," I said, "how do you know that I'm not carrying a bomb somewhere?" She indicated that they had already scanned my bags and that they checked out okay. "I know," I said. "And I thank you deeply for this, for keeping our homeland safe. But, I view it as my patriotic duty to ask you to engage in a full body cavity search for explosives on my person." After all, I love this country more than anything, and I wouldn't want our TSA agents to go soft. I want them to know that they are fully welcome to do this whenever anybody passes through security.

I must say, the anal probe was a bit uncomfortable, but, as I've said before, freedom isn't free. God bless America. If you haven't figured it out already, I'm very patriotic, and I love America. They were even gracious enough to allow me to start blogging the probe while I was there! I call it analog. Get it?

New CNN/Gallup Poll

2005-07-27T00:31:00.000-04:00

CNN/Gallup reports that 87% of the tech-savvy, young, college-age readers of Fartlog are stupid. Moreover:

- 11% understand basic current events
- 76% believe that Fartlog is about farts
- 14% of males (3% of females) are capable of achieving erection
- 91% are Joe Malchow '08
- 43% believe that the per cent sign precedes the number, like the dollar sign
- %43 have just begun to understand this poll

Our 25,000th visitor

2005-07-26T18:01:00.000-04:00

Today, Fartlog broke its past record of 20,000 visitors with 25,000. That puts us at over 500 hits per day and and over 350 visitors per day, edging us past both The Dartmouth Review's Dartlog and Joe Malchow's Daftblog. The beauty of it is that we post nothing but drivel and only when we feel like it.

Malchow stops blogging; one notices

2005-07-24T20:25:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow, that impresario behind Daftblog, has taken a day off from blogging, as he has informed us in his latest post:

"Conference ends tonight; blogging to resume tomorrow morning.
And congratulations to Lance!"

Unfortunately, Malchow seems to be operating under the assumption that people actually want to read what a priggish New Jerseyite types--he is, sadly, sorely mistaken.

Indeed, we at the Revue have learned that only one person has noticed Malchow's absence from the blogosphere--a young New Jersey woman, who asked not to be identified due to her extreme shame. "I look at Daftblog almost every day," the poor young lady blubbered. "I think I'm in love with him."

"But," she admitted, "he is an awful writer and human being."

Furries Are Whipped Into Fury--Woodbury Thrown to the Dogs

2005-07-24T18:27:00.000-04:00

First, let me just say that I am absolutely ecstatic with myself for the clever headline that I thought up for this post. I personally believe that it stands as a testament to both my capabilités linguistiques and my deliciously pointed wit. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with quasisexual affection for myself.

As for the intention of this post, it seems as if Woodbury's masterful exposé on the lives of furries (people who are aroused by dressing up as animals) in the most recent edition of The Revue has caused quite a stir in the furry community -- that is to say, on an obscure and infrequented web site with a message board of 4 active users.
Visitors to the Furry Zoo section of FurryFriends are torn as to whether the good Mr. Woodbury has been serious in his discussion of the book, or has merely produced a work of Swift-esque satire (or, more appropraite, perhaps Swift anachronistically produced a work of Woodbury-esque satire?). You can go to the site and discover the answer for yourself; I almost wet my salmon-colored shorts in laughter.

Joe Malchow: No Marketable Skills

2005-07-23T18:07:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow of Daftblog has set up a new, shamelessly self-promoting website named after--who else?--Joe Malchow. The site, which promises to become unbearable in even less time than Daftblog, will doubtless contain even more things people will not want to read.

More interesting, however, is Malchow's resumé, which, not surprisingly, does not exist. Apparently being so self-righteous does not translate into strong employment potential.

Perhaps Malchow will change his conservative tune when forced to beg for handouts on the street come Commencement.

Some People I Want Dead

2005-07-21T15:36:00.000-04:00

A deep moral conflict has been brewing in my mind for quite some time. Some days, I feel one way, free of shame or guilt, and other days, I am so horrified by my own wishes that I nearly question my own sense of righteousness, which is all the more harrowing. But, today, I am rather certain that the good health of our fine paper, The Dartmouth Revue, depends on a few people, shall we say, passing on to the "other realm." Namely:

- Smethers T. Wicksley '46
- George W. B. Goodman '46
- Bentley J. Quigley '46
- Franklin A. R. Jefferson, II '46
- Charlemagne G. Jones '45
- Richard Carol Westinglove '46
- W. B. J. "Bunny" Hoare '45
- Edward W. Bennington '46
- A. Caligula Smith '46

The above-named men are, by far, some of the finest gentle-men currently alive today. They are staunch supporters of The Revue, and have had life-long sub-scriptions to the paper.

Therein, however, lies the problem.

Since I took reins of this paper, we have been struggling. Not by any fault of my own (how preposterous, really), but because we are speedily heading down the road to irrelevance. We're out of touch with the student body, and are beginning to resemble, more and more, that awful alumni newsletter, The Dartmouth Review. But, since the College refuses to recognize us as a legitimate student organization, and has cast us off campus, threatening us with litigation, only because we seek the truth and to expose them all as the closeted Communist frauds that they are, we rely entirely on subscriptions and donations to operate. And who likes reading articles that poke holes in the pinko bubble that encases the Dartmouth campus? Who likes the bemoaning of changing times and lost traditions? The oldest surviving Dartmouth alumni, of course. They are contemptuous of what the College has become, what with women openly walking the campus and minorities, most likely the sorry products of affirmative action, crowding the classrooms. They hate what Communism and New Left liberalism has done to academia; it has destroyed the prestige and the very fundamentals of liberal arts education. They know this, because they were here when things were better.

While I agree with them on most accounts, I can't help but feel the sting of students snickering at our articles, of people calling us irrelevant, and of us being caricatured as a paper of nostalgia. But, we must cater to our most dedicated readership, who is also the source of our funds. Until they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates of Heaven, we're stuck writing articles about crazy feminist English teachers and vegetarian bias in DDS' pricing of foods. It is for this reason, if only for the good of our fine paper, that I have to admit that I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the classes of 1945 and 1946 themselves have few days left to breathe.

Your Are Wrong, Mr. Wright!

2005-07-16T17:13:00.000-04:00

When President of the College James Wright isn't attempting to squash 1,000,000,000 years of tradition by turning a blind eye to Dartmouth's noble and forgotten mascot, the Injun (an animal indigenous to North America, driven nearly to extinction, but respected for what many believe are its personified austerity, pride, and strength), he is usually plotting an end to the Greek system as we know it. A fact that many of you are already quite cognizant of is that Webster Avenue, the straight Hanover street that is home to a neighborhood of Greek houses, has been closed during the daylight hours of many days. This has been occuring for nearly two weeks.

Confidants of The Revue, as well as insiders in the Administration and in various alumni organizations, have reported that the capital projects recently being undertaken on campus are in fact not simply benign means of expanding residence halls and constructing a new building for the math department; rather, they are the insidious excuses for the complete and total destruction of the Greek system.

It is quite obvious that the various construction around campus is merely a ruse to shut off convenient access to the Greek houses, make living in said houses noisy and uncomfortable, and generally make interaction with the Greek community undesirable and difficult. Millions upon millions of dollars are being poured into this effort. It is up to us as students to fight back at this war on fun! Gentlemen and lady-types, let us stand together against the Administration's plans to purify and wash Dartmouth of all traditions, amusements, culture, and soul.

A Marvelous Summer

2005-07-14T16:03:00.000-04:00

Now that I have made the move into my father's Manhattan apartment, which has an absolutely gorgeous view of Central Park, I feel that I finally have enough time to write. Time away from The Revue has been spent well, although, I dare say that I do miss it greatly. Things have been slow, here, lately, because most of us are off working for our fathers' companies, which many of us plan to take the reins of some day.

Dear old Wendy, known to most as Thurston, has graduated from Dartmouth. Perhaps he will find solace in a world outside of that of evil, communistic academia. We wish him the best, of course, and are sure that he will be back to crash our meetings and hang around his fraternity house, half-drunk, unwanted, and dejected.

I have moved to Manhattan to start work at my father's legal firm, Dexterhouse, Dexterhouse, & Wilkes. It appears that some people have been known to believe that people such as myself somehow get it easy; but, I assure you, my father has me working three hours a day, from nine o'clock in the morning until lunch, which makes socializing in the evening-hours very difficult. But, as they say, Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?

Being from Greenwich, Connecticut, I have always considered New York, New York to be my back yard. Alas, there seem to be more ruffian-types than I remember, and the streets are filled with foreigners. I am even told that there are entire neighborhoods that are infested with immigrants from all over the world, and where nary a word of English, that noble language, may be heard spoken.

I am not allowing my hopes for a fruitful summer to be trodden by such rumors, however, and I plan on enjoying my time in Manhattan. The best to all of you.

Infamous "Maddox" Profiles Dartmouth Student

2005-07-07T00:11:00.000-04:00

A recent entry on "The Best Page in the Universe" seems to have been inspired by a resident Dartmouth blogospherophile. This one is for the BuzzFlood!

Malchow '08 Self-Consciously Mentions "Friends," "Girlfriend" For 325th Time In 1 Week

2005-06-30T17:08:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow '08, the lumpish mastermind behind Daftblog, has reached a new landmark for his blog, self-consciously mentioning both his "friends" and his "girlfriend" for the 325th time in only 1 week. The last record was also set by Malchow only seven days ago, with 320 mentions.

He often weaves the mention into a seemingly banal post:

Democrats Continue To Condone Rape And Murder

In a recent Gallup poll, 76 percent of Americans said that they didn't think that Democrats had a clear plan for reducing violent crime rates in America's cities. Skeet Wilson of Everydaymanline makes the excellent point that Democrats are soft on crime because they actually condone rape and murder. Howard Dean, Chairman of the DNC, responded to the poll with his typical style (that's French for "style"), claiming that the poll was "ridiculous." It looks like Democrats are going to continue to ignore the voices of everyday Americans. Lauren and all of my friends agree!

Three Cheers for Compassionate Conservatism

2005-06-10T01:10:00.000-04:00

I would like to take this moment to commend The Dartmouth Beacon, the College's neoconservative rag, for distinguishing itself as a magazine of "compassionate conservatism."

We at Fartlog also consider ourselves to be in the grain of the "compassionate conservative" though we do not often explicitly identify ourselves as such. However, we should thank the Neocon for following the tradition of The Great Leader, one who so frequently reminds us of his "compassionate conservative" leanings. I feel it is important for forward-thinking modern day Republicans to proclaim their uniquely humane status. It would hurt our credibility to be associated with all the other malevolent conservatives who eat their young.

Thank you The Dartmouth Beacon, a truely compassionate lot.

Mysterious Malchow Email Discovered in Paddock

2005-06-03T12:08:00.000-04:00

One of Fartlog's insiders at Paddock Music Library discovered this printed email in the library:

Date: 30 May 2005 18:09:29 EDT
From: Joseph I. Malchow
Subject:
To: Joseph I. Malchow

citadel125: of a little known Ballet the jazz saxophonist Sidney Bechet did
citadel125: called "La Colline du Delta"
citadel125: any suggestions?

Regards,
-joe

---
Joe Malchow
jmalchow@dartmouth.edu
***personal information omitted***

Ugh Really

2005-06-02T02:18:00.000-04:00

So it is finals again. But isn't the entire parade of tests and exams a charade? We obviously know who will make it through the realm of Dartmouth to actual employment or trust fund luxury. The Dexterhouses, Lanskys, Hunts, Bartlebys of the world have nothing to fear, yet must pretend to "study" in the library with our fellow students and "be crazy mad worried" about an upcoming exam. Are the masses so deluded?

I would rather that grades were settled with a sporting polo match or croquet game against our professors. Why bother the elite with trivial memorization or pointless paper authorization? And my dear JED III, how is your fine steed A Spot of Milk, Please faring? I should have asked before mentioning polo.

The Jewel of the Orient

2005-05-29T09:45:00.000-04:00

Like my great-grandfather Barold E. Dexterhouse, II before me, I've taken up a habit in the vice of ingesting opium. Unlike my great-grandfather, however, who spent his days enveloped in the dark, smoky chambers of Hong Kong's opium dens, I'm more or less confined to my dormitory room. I've attempted several times to pique Thurston's interest, but have been unsucessful. I believe that, next time, I shall simply replace his morning Earl Grey tea with a rather special mixture, if you are able to catch the drift.

For truly, it is a gentleman's plant.

Once again, I wish it was 1924. Yet the problem is solved.

2005-05-27T01:04:00.000-04:00

I'm sad, my friends. I was in the midst of a Thursday night rage, chatting with a lovely young woman at a sophisticated cocktail soiree. There were witticisms abounding and a mutual love of IZOD and penny loafers. We even cracked the same jokes about the Darfur Action Group, that hopeless gaggle of armband-wearing miscreants.

As thoughts of an endeavor to engage in amorous intercourse crossed my mind, I suggested we continue our discussion beneath my wall of moose trophies. And yet, after a while, I realized that my taste in women is so refined that in fact she retained the purity and strength of heart to resist the most charming of my advances. So I brought her back to my fraternity and added a little bit of the universal helper to her next beverage.

What a sweetheart, really, that I soon found. All my dear friends shall certainly receive invitations to a wedding shortly. Or perhaps just a baby shower.

Brantley Apprehended by State Police

2005-05-25T11:22:00.000-04:00

The manhunt is over, after less than twenty-four hours of M. G. H. Brantley, Jr. on the ham. According to a report by the New Hampshire State Police, Mr. Brantley was discovered not far north of the Dartmouth campus, hiding in the woods. Due to a heart condition apprently related to his weight, he could not make it very far on foot.

At the time of his discovery, his sole possession was a large, wooden bowl of roughly 1.5 feet in diameter, which, the police report states, was brimming over with uncooked hot dogs.

On My Untimely Departure

2005-05-25T09:41:00.000-04:00

As my good friend and colleague J.E.D. III announced, I have left my position at The Dartmouth publishing the daily Shits and Giggles cartoon. I was sacked last night by a little pissant under the impression that someone of my caliber should be expected to meet deadlines and other esoteric ceilings to my good vibes and chill times. It doesn't matter that two nights ago I sent President Emeritus Meghan Duwali to the D's office in Robinson Hall hours past my deadline to draw my own comic. I was at Delta Alpha in my zone...Listening to Oh no! Dinosaur![!] and Reactionary Speaks, or whatever the fuck the name of that band is, performing in the audience chambers of my room. Yes, every room in Delta Alpha has an audience chamber--we are the house that Animal House is based on. Nor did it matter that I neglected to publish a comic in two consecutive issues. The only personal responsibility I exercise is apparent editorial control of the "Generic Good Morning Message" which as of late has slipped. Not my fault, I had the Rightly Guided Thieves over last night and it was sickies.

To all those I mocked in my cartoons, fuck you all. Except Heph Sterbert. I really enjoyed acting out fantasies between you, Shits, Giggles, and myself. At one point, you even decided to play barber and got rid of my bowl-like haircut. I was sick of looking like Jim Carrey anyway. None of that matters now, though. Shits and Giggles have made their last appearance, and I didn't even draw it. Scribbles and meaningless nonsense are my forte, but President Emeritus Meghan went a little far with his latest rendition. I can only hope that I will get the utmost satisfaction as I ruin that little imp's life who would dare cross Saul Hunt's. After I'm done with him, he'll be nothing on this campus and smell like the grim Delta Alpha floor. It was a pool once, you know. Or was it a basketball court? Sometimes we can't even get our own stories right. Nevertheless, we are rufus.

So next time you open the D, bereft of cheap penis, vagina, and fetus jokes, remember me. To complain about my harsh dismissal, leave feedback here. Haha! Got you! You really are the San Francisco treat! Go live your horrible, boring lives and don't harsh my mellow! I'm going on a circuit now.

It's Official

2005-05-25T08:47:00.000-04:00

Saul Hunt has been fired from The Dartmouth. No more The Adventures of Shits & Giggles. Although it was a prurient publication, I consider Mr. Hunt to be a good gentile personnage. May he find solace.

Oh Joe

2005-05-25T03:38:00.000-04:00

Are you speaking for "our children" or just yourself? Here.

On The Loose!

2005-05-24T12:37:00.000-04:00

M. G. H. Brantley, Jr., president emeritus of the Dartmouth Review and perpetrator of the hostile Fartlog office takeover more than two weeks ago, has since missed his court date and is believed to be running from authorities.

Although we have no photographs of Brantley, Fartlog investigators have produced this sketch based on past lithographic Review avatars of the president emeritus:

If you see Mr. Brantley, please notify Fartlog immediately. Thurston is still too weak from his blackjack wounds to play croquet and he craves justice.

Gold Coast Plagued by Hippie Sentiment

2005-05-23T18:24:00.000-04:00

My precious 10 hours of sleep were disturbed last night by the sound of paper being slipped under my door. At first I assumed it was the monthly offering of the Dartmouth Review, but no. An 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper with the word "Love" scrawled in huge letters. Everyone else in the buildings received the same, and there's a giant poster with "Love" at the entrance to the first floor.

Can't these sickening hippie types spread their goodwill at a time when my sleep is not disturbed? And for that matter, must their message obscure the fine features of the hallowed Gold Coast dormitory hallways? Why don't you just plaster copies of the Dartmouth Free Press in the stairwell?

And now I retire for a nap.

Clarification

2005-05-20T19:37:00.000-04:00

It should be noted that our Not A Partisan Asshole Award in no way encourages dissent, or seeks to reward those who disagree with The Great Leader. It is a highly-ironic slap in the face, meant solely to signal government agents of the words and actions of those who receive it.

Therefore, while it may award those who earn it with temporary immunity from Fartlog, The Great Leader may not be so gracious.

Malchow '08 Wins Prestigious Fartlog Award

2005-05-20T15:25:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow '08, who heads Daftblog, has won Fartlog's prestigious Not A Partisan Asshole Award, for his recent post on the death penalty. He has gone against the grain in opposing state-sanctioned execution of citizens. Congratulations, Joe. You've earned three days of immunity from Fartlog.

A Spot Of Milk, Please

2005-05-19T18:35:00.000-04:00

I rather shan't be posting to the blog much today, as my prize thoroughbred stallion, A Spot Of Milk, Please, appears to have hurt his leg while we were jumping today. Send your prayers. Verily.

Dartmouth's Immoral Agenda

2005-05-18T16:56:00.000-04:00

According to a recent email from Stuart Bratesman '75, the Alumni Council's Enrollment and Admissions Committee is seeking new rules to "diversify" alumni interviewers and reach out to gays and minorities.

The Committee will be discussing possible "efforts to increase diversity among alumni interviewers," asking "What happens if we have one or more DEDs [District Enrollment Directors] who end up reject [sic] a minority or gay-and-lesbian volunteer for reasons of prejudice? How do we prepare ourselves to detect and respond to that kind of situation?"

Might I humbly suggest that we celebrate? Diversity is merely another word for Communist pipe-dream fascism; what's next, are we going to send all of the non-diverse students to a gulag on the College Grant -- that is, until their fathers hand over the reigns of their companies to them? That could take years. The telos of Dartmouth College is not to educate bright young people of all backgrounds, preparing them for the leadership roles that they will surely take up in our soceity; rather, it has always been and will always be a place for Dexterhouses and Stanfordsburyshires and Lanskys and people of other reputable ilk to occasionally learn liberal economic theory while, for the most part, attempting to out-drink each other and snorting cocaine.

That the Alumni Council's Enrollment and Admissions Committee is attempting to diversify the College even more is simply an offensive slap in the face, as if all of the privilege that we've inherited means absolutely nothing.

Sensitive '09 Calls For 'Journalistic Integrity'

2005-05-18T08:50:00.000-04:00

Chris Jones '09, a member of Dartmouth's illustrious incoming class, has called on Fartlog to exercise journalistic integrity and cease from making fun of the new freshmen. A self-described "blogger," Jones claims that Fartlog is "not fair to authors," calling us "harmful and untoward."

Fartlog learned that Jones was a member of the class of 2009, because he says that his occupation is "Student @ The Big Green." Every self-respecting Dartmouth student -- unless you write for the sub-par campus newspaper know as The Dartmouth -- knows that we're the Dartmouth Injuns, not some amorphous green blob, and that nobody but a writer of admissions brochures would refer to the school as "The Big Green."

Furthermore, Jones claims that one of his main penchants is "dreaming," second only to "[beating up old ladies.]" Come now, Jones, do you really expect us to take advice from an old-lady-beater such as yourself?

He's not the only one lamenting Fartlog, however; the other '09 livejournalers are getting into the fray, as well. As if using LiveJournal did not already belie the adequate level of lonliness, awkwardness, creepiness, and ineptitude requisite for a good mocking, some '09s openly admitted that they were "uber [sic] pathetic." A bitter one, however, noted that we at Fartlog "arent [sic] that cool."

Luckily, Mr. Jones set us straight.

Best Racial Slur

2005-05-17T17:50:00.000-04:00

This is a subject on which Thurston and I often debate, and our heated discussions most often descend into savage slapping contests: what is the best racial slur? The folks at the Inner Office of The Dartmouth Review, the College's twice-a-month Stinson's advertisement, apparently already have it all figured out.

Fartlog Poll (Fuck you cons!)

2005-05-17T16:25:00.000-04:00

We have added a new poll feature, or have we?

<--------------

Notice this most excellent arrow that points to the poll until another post is made and then the arrow appears to exist for no purpose but to make the site look shitty. At that point it moves down the page, and in emergency purposes can be utilized to KILL THE FUCKING CONS. As the fucking cons, those fucking piece of shit cons, lie more and more the number of kitch hyphens following the arrow will increase, and soon we will murder those fucking cons with our own fucking Lancet study.

Anyway, the first poll question will be--oh wait, looks like you guys think Malchow barely sucks more than us, so we took that one down. Call F.I.R.E. on us, why don't you!

Our new question:

Who is your favorite leftist thinker?

A. Noam Chomsky
B. Karl Marx
C. Al Franken
D. George Wukoson
E. Pat Buchanan (JUST KIDDING! Fuck you cons, fuck you!)

Doubleplug $49.95! BUY NOW! Increase your pleasure!

2005-05-17T09:10:00.000-04:00

When I saw Joe Malchow's blog entry entitled "A Shameless Doubleplug," I thought that I would be reading a tirade contra sex toys and sexual deviance. Alas, I was only slightly on the mark; it was Malchow wanking his own plug. Disturbing, indeed.

Unsurprising

2005-05-17T09:01:00.000-04:00

None of the Red-blooded professors at Dartmouth gave money to The Great Leader's re-election campaign in 2004, The Washington Times reports. It's unsurprising, given the overwhelming Democratic majority at Dartmouth. I humbly offer two solutions to this sad dilemma:

Political affirmative action: registered Republican professors should be given more grants, offered tenure more often, and offered more flexibility with regards to teaching courses
Marketability: we all know that the reason why there are so few conservatives in academia is because academia is hardly lucrative (*chortles at the thought*). What we need is to arbitrarily increase salaries and give more awards to faculty so that conservatives will be more interested in teaching as a highly-successful career investment.

Both of these solutions seem just to me.

Of course, we could just let the Commies keep academia. We've still got the world!

Add Two More to the List

2005-05-16T20:41:00.000-04:00

Perhaps Joe Malchow '08 is getting sloppy in his blogging frenzy over at Daftblog. After all, The Little Green Blog just recently pointed out his misconstruing of a study predicting the number of war-related civilian deaths in Iraq.

But now we can add two more distortions to Malchow's unhappy list.

When he's not suggesting that CNN is suffering from the FOX News Channel's ruling of the TV ratings (CNN actually has more viewers), he's claiming that "It is harder for a poor person to get ahead in every other country on the planet" than the United States. Indeed, according to him, this "is a fact." Unfortunately for Malchow, the reality is that the horrible, Communist dictatorships of Scandanavia -- and even the hell-on-earth known as France (on which Malchow is also an expert) -- have higher social mobility.

Dear, me! Who would have thought that $150,000 was considered rich? I dare say.

'09s: Smart, Diverse, and TICKLISH!

2005-05-16T18:21:00.000-04:00

Dylan Kane '09 recently asked the Dartmouth '09 community to, "Describe, in detail, your personal level of ticklishness." Responses were varied, ranging from one '09, "kliu," who is extremely ticklish "on the neck and the pitts" to "panasic" who "laugh[s] at the thought of tickling." Incoming freshman Elise, "forensics13," writes:

There is something about the fact that creepy guys think that it is ok to break
my personal bubble to touch me by "tickling" that really sets me off... it
is super uncomfortable unless it is with someone that I like and know.

Good luck at Dartmouth, Elise. Stay away from the frats, dorm parties, and Dylan Kane.

The 27-Light Challenge

2005-05-16T17:17:00.000-04:00

Dylan Kane '09 can't wait to do the 27-light challenge, apparently one of Dartmouth's most sacred traditions. Indeed, Kane is more excited about this than anything else about Dartmouth. The challenge sounds very similar to the Blue Light Challenge, though Kane said that his "hosts at Dimensions told [him]." Additionally, Kane remarked that "I knew when I was accepted to Dartmouth that I was destined for greatness." Truly, Kane, truly.

Go ahead and join the 2009 Dartmouth livejournal community, "Because Real Ivy is Green."

EditorialBoard.Net: Dead at 2 Months Old

2005-05-16T11:54:00.000-04:00

After ten days of no new posts, EditorialBoard.Net, a joint venture of Joe Malchow '08 and his pathetic friends from other elite schools, has been declared dead. The blog failed to pick up a news story that would hit its contributors hard--that being the Sinead O'Connor-style now being sported by EB.net icon Natalie Portman. Sources say the EB.net nerds have been confused and one has been emotionally scarred after mixing up Portman and Patrick Stewart of Star Trek fame during their nightly self-indulgence.

Malchow Joins Trustee Race

2005-05-16T10:47:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow '08 looks to be tiring of simply commenting on the trustee election via his DaftBlog and has recently begun campaigning for the next election in the pages of The Dartmouth. His prose is forceful, and sitting at my computer screen I could not help but lift my fist and simulate the pummeling of that devil of a man, President James Wright. His column more resembled the Gettysburg Address than a crappy Op-Ed in a sub-par campus newspaper (Now when you google "sub-par campus newspaper," you'll be directed to The Dartmouth *chortle*). Trustee-Elect Malchow '08 claims:

Rather than the perennial bureaucratic hodgepodge, the path is now laid for fewer deans, and for more professors. For freer speech, and for greater tolerance. For fiscal transparency and financial responsibility. For diversity of thought -- not merely of skin -- that we may be wiser. And for support of athletics, that we may be prouder.

The phrase "For freer" sounds awkward. Does Malchow not like people with dry skin and wrinkles compared to their more attractive, smooth-skinned counterparts?

With this election, a shot across the bow of academic autocracy will be heard far and wide. A vicious cycle will be broken. This billion-dollar company we call Dartmouth, good as it already is, will actually have to turn an ear towards the vox clamantis of its customers, present and past.

I think this is a death threat to the administration. This should be investigated. If Malchow is seen aiming anything at Parkhurst, even his magical conservative bow of intellectual diversity and campus discourse, he should be taken down with all necessary force.

And for good measure...

sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper, sub-par campus newspaper

Welcome, Mr. Lansky

2005-05-15T23:17:00.000-04:00

Fartlog heartily welcomes Mr. Paul J. Billiamson Lansky to the project. To see the rest of the masthead, click here.

Dartlog Losing Its Edge

2005-05-15T21:49:00.000-04:00

Dartlog, the official blog of The Dartmouth Review, Dartmouth's unofficial alumni newsletter, was a once-relevant weblog providing up-to-date news on local politics and events at the College. Unfortunately, yet another proud bastion of conservativism appears to be losing its edge: nobody has yet to have informed the editorial board that the recent trustee election is over. Indeed, it has been over for quite some time, and the official results were known days ago. If any other proud Dartmouth men are reading this, please send a blitz to someone on the board and let them know before it gets too embarrassing.

Which Enterprise captain are you?

2005-05-15T21:29:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow at Daftblog raises a compelling issue:

"If anything conveys the sense of a man in one word, it is which Enterprise captain he prefers. And Jean-Luc Picard is clearly the superior officer."

Five Years of French, But No Circumflex for Malchow '08

2005-05-15T21:10:00.000-04:00

Over at Daftblog, Joe Malchow '08 will tell anybody willing to listen that he has five whole years of French behind him and has been to Paris twice. Mon dieu! As is a requirement for any first-born male Dexterhouse, I have been educated in French and Flemish alike since my second year; and, considering that one-fifth of the Île Saint-Louis is Dexterhouse property, I consider Paris to be a second home (though, sometimes I feel that it is tied with Monaco). While Malchow is quick to brag of his education in French, either by insterting trite French phrases into his blog entries à la his post on The Simpsons, or by bemoaning the proper pronunciation of the word "croissant," his true identity as a charlatan is revealed in his absent-minded or (empty-headed) neglect of the circumflex, one of the French language's most beautiful diactric marks.

Much like a sophist peddling false wisdom to fools, Malchow, a véritable bourgeois gentilhomme, attempts to impress with his vastly incompetent understanding of French. Shame, shame, dear old man, shame.

Richard K. Donahue '48 Faces Disbarment For Conspiracy

2005-05-15T14:53:00.000-04:00

A little bit of real news for you all: according to The Boston Globe, Dartmouth alum Richard K. Donahue '48, 30-39-year member of the Dartmouth College Fund Class of 1948 Honor Roll, former one-time president of Nike, Inc., former president of the Massachusetts Bar Association, former chairman of the Massachusetts Board of Bar Overseers, and former assistant to President John F. Kennedy, has been accused of conspiring to discredit a judge of the Superior Court of Massachusetts. The Commonwealth now recommends his disbarment.

100 Losers Were Reading Fartlog While I Was Partying

2005-05-14T14:24:00.000-04:00

Hahahahaha... losers.

Blogs Having Tremendous Impact on Green Key Weekend

2005-05-14T10:27:00.000-04:00

Green Key is off to a tremendous start, and blogs just might have something to do with it. The debauchery has reached levels that haven't been seen in years. Ricardo Sanchez '08 said that he would not have had known it was Green Key if it were not for The Little Green Blog. Others, such as Jessica Williamson-Rogers '08, reported that their decision to go to Sigma Nu's Early 80s instead of Chi Gam's dance party was swayed by Fartlog. Lucas B. J. Hallowberrynut, LVII '05, a frequent reader of Dartlog, was surprised when he was informed that it was Green Key. The initial shock then turned to anger. "Green Key? Green Key?! Is that all you people think about, drinking and partying? Don't you know that there are important things going on in this world? Like the TRUSTEE ELECTION?" he reportedly frothed.

Today, check out the band that's playing at the Festival of Humanity at 1:10 PM. Should be good. Wendy and I shall be there, sipping gin and tonic.

Hail, and well met!

2005-05-13T15:18:00.000-04:00

Who is Joe Malchow '08?

Hail, and well met! I'm the news-obsessed student who writes here. I am from central New Jersey, and am currently studying at Dartmouth College in Hanover, New Hampshire as a member of the class of 2008. I am focusing on government and economics, though my major is undeclared.

The usual topics upon which I opine [My use of the word opine in this site's moniker is a pun on Dartmouth's many pine tree-related traditions] include political ideology, the media, policy, and technology.
And, of course, whatever happens to be in the news.

I belong to the seemingly minute coterie of young conservatives. I voted for to re-elect President Bush in 2004 but I am not a strict party loyalist. Please keep my personal bias in mind when reading this blog.

I also am very interested in high-fidelity audio, recording, radio, and classical music. My favorite composers are Mozart, Haydn, Copland, Vivaldi, and Gottschalk. This could keep me happy for the rest of my life, if need be.

Little Green Disaster

2005-05-13T13:41:00.000-04:00

The libs (Zing!) at The Little Green Blog are deceiving us all with a poll that compares their own blog to that of Joe Malchow '08's DaftBlog, asking which weblog sucks less. This is a trick question though designed to trap ardent conservatives in their own web of reason, intelligence, and moral values. No true conservative is willing to endorse Malchow and his Dartmouth Neocon ilk, but at the same time they cannot lend their vote to the evil empire and den of iniquity that is the LGB (I wish the FartLog had an awesome acronym). I would advocate suicide, were it not for George Soros' support of the Hemlock Society, and as such I must taint myself by voting in favor of the Little Green Blog. I urge all of our readers, though, to throw their hand in support of the DaftBlog. Nothing compares to boosting young Malchap's confidence after noting positive feedback on the enemy's blog only to realize that he bases perceptions of himself and the world around him on a website that uses a crumby marquee tag on their title bar.

Here is the damning proof from the LGB:

Happy Green Key

Green Key? What Green Key! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION!

2005-05-13T13:38:00.000-04:00

TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION! TRUSTEE ELECTION!

10 updates in 2 days! That's a record!

FYI...

2005-05-13T11:53:00.000-04:00

The AD lawn party has been moved to 1 P.M. Sunday due to impending inclement weather.

Early 80s at Sigma Nu Tonight

2005-05-13T11:37:00.000-04:00

I shall certainly be there. I'll be wearing a green Injun tie, m'yes!

Malchap: Picked Last in Pick-Up Baseball Game

2005-05-12T20:22:00.000-04:00

Developing...

Malchow: Expert on the Poor

2005-05-12T15:29:00.000-04:00

In "What Right to Happiness?" Joe Malchow '08 addresses an upcoming Daily D editorial by Michael Belinsky '08, in which Belinsky suggests that, since a just society is one where the most people are happy, the government should have as one of its goals the increasing of the happiness of the people. At first, the reader is shocked that Malchow suggests that Belinsky's piece may make a "marginal amount of sense"; addmitedly, I was very taken aback by this apparent display of weakness. I immediately began to suspect that Malchow was going Commie, but was relieved when, after he quoted a bit of the beginning of Belinsky's piece, he stated his intention to "negate the rest" of it.

Malchow begins his critique with the surprising assertion that he was present at the Constitutional Convention, where the Constitution was discussed and drafted by the likes of Franklin, Monroe, Madison, and Hamilton. "No one ever agreed" to a supposed "right" to happiness, Malchow states. "What we agreed to," he says, was a government that would allow the pursuit of happiness. This, he so rightly believes, requires a government as laissez-faire (this means "let do" en français!) as possible. That is, a laissez-faire government that endorses Christianity, prevents gays from marrying, outlaws fellatio and cunnilingus, and protects its people from other unnatural societal diseases.

With this in consideration, Malchow points out the undeniable and unassailable vérité that it is "harder for a poor person to get ahead in every other country on the planet [and even the Moon, maybe]." Here, poor people have upward mobility. Malchow himself is an example; here he is, his first year at Dartmouth College, having come from a town where you're really weird if you make less than $80,000 a year.

Bravo, again, for stickin' it to 'em. Nobody understands how good the poor have it in this country. I, for example, have to compete with the likes of people like Thurston, whose trust fund has $1.2 million more than mine; how can anybody expect me to surpass such a large gap, and achieve as much success as someone from the Stanfordshiresbury clan? It's all about the equal opportunity, not equal outcome. Sure, my trust fund only has $1.6 million, nothing compared to Thurston's $2.8 million; however, with hard work, some tenacity, and a little bit of elbow grease, I may very well find myself on the top of the same Manhattan trading firm as Thurston, that old dog.

If I can overcome the set-backs that I was born with to beat the privilege of people like Thurston, then I'm certain that anybody can. C'est la vie!

I Hate.

2005-05-12T00:44:00.000-04:00

Jizzo.

Pinko Doesn't Do Own Laundry

2005-05-11T11:29:00.000-04:00

For someone who obviously advocates for the evils of communism simply by association with The Little Green Blog, Ariel Stern-Markovitz sure has it out against the proletarians who do her laundry for her. She has suggested that readers bring their business to Kleen in West Lebanon, where I here they fly an American Flag. [Universal gasp from campus communists]

New Issue Online

2005-05-11T09:50:00.000-04:00

Be sure to check out the new issue of The Fartmouth Mirror, the Revue's arts, living, and dancing(!) supplement for this wonderful content and more:

-Paragraph-long inane editorial by "Editor-in-Chief" Hebecca Rouck. Read why she insists on writing crappy editorials about nothing despite the Mirror having no relevance whatsoever to her resume or life at Dartmouth for that matter.

-Obligatory pictures of Hebecca Rouck in strange poses somehow related to the content of the Mirror, much like that linked here.

-"Aaron Schlosser's Column" regarding the homosexuality of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He's syndicated (on his own website of course) and his opinions on superheroes like Batman and Superman are highly regarded (as useless drivel) the world over.

-Read about the intricacies of apostrophes and slaughtering "awk randos(!)" in "Syntax's So Dartmouth."

-"Two Drinks With Your Mom." Fuck frat music, I just Barnes-stormed your mom while listening to Verdi's "Opening March" from Aida.

-"Shits and Giggles." Watch me as I take needless jabs at everyone and anyone on campus who doesn't share my hip taste in music and brotherhood with Delta Alpha fraternity. How did I not win student council President when my last name is also a popular ketchup brand! Oh, it's because I have no soul.

-Shao Kahn watches "The O.C." and writes reviews about it on a less-than-mediocre college jokes website. If he mentions that "Hey" look between Marissa and Ryan and/or Seth's custom-fit polo one more time I'm going to vomit. At least its better than the site's normal content ("I drink a lot! I'm in college and I draw on all my friends when they're passed out!")

Other Noteworthy Records

2005-05-11T00:29:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow, the lonely '08 behind Daftblog, comments on The Dartmouth Review's review of campus blogs while using the term "blogosphere" for the twenty-fifth time in three days.

Malchow appears to live his life exclusively on the Internet, where he seems to have developed his own communicative theory of society. He rightly notes that Dartmouth liberals are generally uneducated and incapable of discursive action, though whether their incapacity for simple logic comes from their liberality or their liberality comes from their incapacity for simple logic remains unclear (a veritable "chicken or the egg" dilemma, if you will). It is for this reason that they are typically "unwilling and ill-equipped to deal with actual political debates," that is, when their attention is not entirely consumed by their primordial drive to murder innocent babies. According to Malchow, they are "also are largely unable to distinguish between the two popular post types of 'links' and 'thinks,'" a horrifying embarrassment. Cyberphiles around the world snicker in derision.

Malchow, who engages exclusively in Internet conversation, is an authority on the subject. He highly recommends that liberals try to "understand the dynamic of internet conversation," though the possibility of such Godless, soulless people achieving such a level of knowledge seems dim.

Cheers to Joe for putting the liberal wanna-bes in their place.

The 10s Club

2005-05-10T21:44:00.000-04:00

Fartlog, since its conception 252 years ago, has today surpassed 10,000 unique hits.

Congratulations to us.

New Editor, New Style

2005-05-10T09:12:00.000-04:00

Michael J. Ellis '06, recently appointed Editor-in-Chief of alumni newsletter The Dartmouth Review by a small shadowy group of 68 year-old curmudgeons, has ushered in a brand-new style to coincide with his fresh direction of the paper. Whereas past editorial board members of the twice-a-month newsletter would affix their articles with computer scans of people from Victorian-era sketches, Ellis has opted for a newer, more savvy look in implementing Microsoft Powerpoint® ClipArt for his own caricature. The new style is cheaper, and Fartlog predicts that, as new members of the editorial board are appointed in the future, they will follow suit.

No More Whining...

2005-05-09T20:19:00.000-04:00

The Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE) today lifted its "Red" rating, meaning Communist, on the College, declaring that Dartmouth has lifted the Iron Curtain that once surrounded free speech.

The change was prompted, it seems, by a 2nd May letter from College Counsel Robert Donin which delcared that President James Wright's and Dean of the College James Larimore's previous statements regarding the Zeta Psi case did not represent "a [resolution in support of the Left Wing Conspiracy]."

Wright's 2001 letter said that "[i]t is hard to [stomach freedom. I simply cannot stand for it. For me, weak notions of 'liberty' and 'freedom' are but mere obstacles for Evil's inevitable triumph; and, when Lucifer finally does reclaim his Kingdom, I will be his favorite, and I will rule beside him.]" The letter has since been removed from the Dartmouth website, and all physical copies have since been changed to omit references to Lucifer.

We at The Revue have been scrambling to fill the media gap; without Dartmouth's non-existant speech code to pine about, we've got to find something to fill the space. Until then, we'll simply begin recycling old Fartlog posts to be published in the paper verbatim.

A Mildly Newsworthy Event

2005-05-09T17:53:00.000-04:00

The newest issue of The Dartmouth Review has hit the Free Press stands; as you know, The Review is Dartmouth's neo-conservative digest of Alumni Magazine.

Volume 25, Issue 12 features:

- Pictures of 75 year-old men dressed up in white t-shirts (p.2)

- Desperately-reduced prices on Injun merchandise (p.2)

- Self-advertising (p.3)

- A shabby Dartlog post recycled into an article (p.5)

- More self-advertising (p.6)

- "The Dartmouth Review of Blogs," with Fartlog bitterly neglected (no doubt because of the recent incident with Review president emeritus M. G. H. Brantley, Jr.) (p.10)

- Something about conquering Canada (p.11)

- More self-advertising (p.11)

- And more (self-advertising).

This issue's Injun count: approx. five (5)

Technical Difficulties

2005-05-09T09:04:00.000-04:00

I apologize; it appears as if our random post generator went a bit haywire and published the post matrix. Please disregard.

Snide Subject Line

2005-05-09T09:02:00.000-04:00

Mocking introduction of a college event. Tongue-in-cheek reference to Stalin in comparison. Self-indulgent link to Revue article regarding subject. Arrogant punch-line.

Celebrating Socialism

2005-05-09T08:49:00.000-04:00

The Spanish-language affinity house is celebrating the founding of the European Union (EU) today with a multicultural pamplemousse. In case you don't already know, the EU stands for everything un-American, such as universal education and health care and a heavy taxing of the rich.

From: Natalia.Barantseva@Dartmouth.EDU (Natalia Barantseva)
Date: May 4, 2005 2:42:24 PM EDT
Subject: Europe Day Party!

Come and bring your friends!!!

<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>

Do you know that May 9 is the official birthday of the European Union?

!! EUROPE DAY PARTY!!

Greek dancing and Italian music
Spanish food and French dessert
and booklets in many languages

Where: La Casa
When: Monday, May 9, 8pm
Why: Because it's interesting and fun!

!BE THERE!

Co-sponsored by Programming Board, Italian Club, La Casa, French department
<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>

Evil Triumphs

2005-05-09T00:47:00.000-04:00

Student Assembly has successfully begun its pie-in-the-sky "Green Bikes" program (or, should we say, "Red Bikes?"), a page out of the Communist handbook. Perhaps these card-carrying pinkos should better spend our tuition dollars; in fact, such fiduciary decisions should be left to those of us who actually pay tuition, and not the 40% minority of students who suck the College dry with financial aid packages. If only the Gipper were still alive...

Last Week's Events

2005-05-08T23:22:00.000-04:00

I offer my most humble apologies for the lack of updates; a dire situation has developed, and it has proved to be most taxing. And, if you have not guessed already, it directly involves Fartlog, The Dartmouth Revue, and, I dare say, everything good and holy in this world.

Last Tuesday, as Thurston and I were walking down South Main Street towards the Revue offices, swinging our Injun canes in a jolly and gallant manner, we began to hear the sound of crunching glass beneath our penny-loafers (it was a breezy and warm day, and as we were both wearing plaid shorts, it would have been unbecoming of us to sport anything but loafers, as leather shoes would have been far too exotic, all things considered). Much to our dismay, the glass was from the window of our beloved office.

What would have been a gaping hole was an expanse of plywood, solidified with two-by-fours. Our window had been broken, and then subsequently boarded up. What sort of tom-foolery could be brewing in sleepy Hanover?

Immediately, I thought that it was the work of Chairman Wright of the commie College administration. But, I quickly realized that the College would never engage in such illegal behavior. Could it have been the feminazis from the gender studies department? Perhaps. As I ran down our long list of enemies in my head, I heard a dull thump, followed by a grunt. Thurston had been thwacked with a blackjack.

It all came together as I laid my eyes upon the source of the thwacking. It was none other than Alumni Magazine digest Dartmouth Review president emeritus M. G. H. Brantley, Jr., and his furious gaze belied a fey mood, topped with a frothing mouth, complete with spittle on his chin. Before I could cry out for help (there was no possibility of helping Thurston myself; M. G. H. Brantley, Jr. was, after all, brandishing a rather dangerous blackjack, and I was armed only with my $150.00 Injun cane -- please refer to the Injun Store for more details -- which I was not about to use as a weapon), M. G. H. dragged Thurston into the alley next to the office, through the side door, and slammed it shut.

Needless to say, it took a fully-equipped SWAT team to lay siege to the office, eventually breaking in and freeing Thurston. M. G. H. had contrived several booby-traps, which led to the minor injury of three officers. He was arrested expediently. Thurston was suffering from three blackjack blows to the head, and it was quite clear that his lovely pink suitjacket was ruined. He was rushed to the hospital, where he remains (he recovered from the wounds quickly; however, he has been emotionally-distraught ever since, what with his favorite sky blue polo entirely ruined and all). The office, unfortunately, was completely destroyed.

So, there you have it. We've not yet the motives of Mr. Brantley -- but we expect to learn them at his court date. I can only assume that he sought to destroy The Revue's offices in a vain attempt to end the healthy competition we provide. As is the way of the conservative, however, we persevere.

God bless you all, and please, send your prayers to Thurston. Unless you're Catholic. He doesn't need the babble of you pagan heathens.

The Dartmouth Bureaucracy

2005-05-01T21:32:00.000-04:00

Dartmouth continues to waste valuable money on ridiculous "administrative" positions. Some of the more colorful expenditures are:

Vice President of "Public Affairs"
"President" of the College
Dean "of" the College
Office of "the" Provost

If we had scrapped some of these wastes of money, perhaps we would not have had to eliminate our cricket team in 1878.

A Begrudged Congratulations

2005-05-01T21:22:00.000-04:00

It's not often that we at Fartlog are on the same side as the College administration, a collection of ex-Stalinist Trotskyites with a penchant for pinko leftist liberalism and a disdain for liberty, but a recent study shows that we owe some begrudged congratulatory remarks to the misinformed academics of Parkhurst Hall. According to the study, male Dartmouth professors earn a record 22 percent more dollars than their non-male counterparts, the largest gap in the Ivy League. For once, the College is employing intelligent and well-thought economics in attracting more men, and therefore better professors, to the College. Cheers.

I Bet I Could Totally Get Laid in 1924

2005-04-28T00:26:00.000-04:00

Man, if it were 1924, I'd totally get laid every day. I mean, the flannel slacks, the Cuban cigars, the polos and Oxfords in shades of Easter pastels -- the girls would not be able to resist waiting until marriage and having intercourse to serve only the purpose of propagating the species and the faith. Today, however, things are different. But I refuse to conform. I am a rebel; but, unlike the rebels of yesteryear, I have a cause: human decency, morality, and family values.

That's why, when I don my argyle socks and slip on my sleek, brown leather Bostonians, I feel as if I'm preparing for war. Each button of my yellow pastel Van Heusen shirt represents my binding to the cause. And as I wet my comb and style my hair à la Calvin Coolidge, I know that I'm ready to begin the day.

The girls, they'll come around. They'll see me with my hands in my pockets in the corner of some basement, and they'll know what I represent: stability, seriousness, righeousness, and morality. If I'm not mistaken, any girl would swoon at such characteristics in a Dartmouth man.

But do they know the real me? The real John Elizabeth Dexterhouse, III? The man behind the stunning spectacles? The man who carries himself as if he's lived a full life, and is ready to live fuller yet? Such is the stoic life of the conservative, condemned to suffer in humilty, doomed to disdainment, and yet, noble and just.

Lest the Old Constructions Fall!

2005-04-28T00:10:00.000-04:00

Joe's Daftlog reports rumours that the River Cluster of freshmen housing is doomed, perhaps as soon as the summer of 2005.

...the River Cluster's lifespan is coming to an end... demolition could commence this Summer, I've heard.

We at Fartlog and The Dartmouth Revue firmly oppose the demolition of the River Cluster. Now 45 years old, the River Cluster was built in 1960, and is the second-largest cluster on campus, containing a total of 286 beds. Furthermore, its gorgeous architecture, representing the quintessential middle-of-the-twentieth-century attempt at something bold and new.

Unfortunately, the fascist, power-hungry liberal lich kings of the College administration think differently, and will probably replace it with a post-modern, 21st-century goof, perhaps even adding plumbing and completely scrapping the whale-oil lamps.

They Just Can't Stop Hating Freedom

2005-04-27T20:54:00.000-04:00

NOT PHOTOSHOPPED

— Protesting for tyranny —

Approximately one dozen Upper Valley residents affiliated with MoveOn.org, a rogue leftist terrorist cell, protested Wednesday to preserve Communist rule in the Senate and against the judicial nominees of lovers of liberty and justice (Republicans).

The group began its vigil at 5 p.m. on a rainy Ledyard Bridge between Hanover and Norwich. Their protest in favor of existing Senate filibuster rules was coordinated with other similar protests around the country.

None of the protesters had any of the professionally-manufactured signs that The Great Leader offers to his loyal supporters, and their little placards were most likely too small to be seen from the road. One sign prophesized, "Republicans Majority Now, Minority Later." Another proclaimed "KILL BABIES," a typical clarion call among liberals. Absolutely none of the signs were in support of rational people (Republicans).

Several cars honked their horns at the small group, most likely in indignant contempt for the group's obvious hatred of America (freedom).

The Great Leader

2005-04-27T16:24:00.000-04:00

Hail The Great Leader who chose our nation
Hail The Great Leader! We salute him, one and all
Hail The Great Leader, as we pledge cooperation
In proud fulfullment of his great, noble call.

Yours is the aim to make this strong country stronger,
This you will do, that's our great, firm belief.
Hail to the one who selected to command us
Hail The Great Leader! Hail one and all!
[Repeat]

Point --> Counterpoint

2005-04-26T16:25:00.000-04:00

From The Dartmouth Neocon:

Terry Schiavo and the right to live! Should judges make the rulings?

From the Left - Baxter Jones

I'm homeless and uneducated! Arrrghhh! <humming the tune to It's a Wonderful Life> What are you talking about? Terry Schiavo! Is that the waitress at the IHOP?

From the Kingdom of God - Jesus Christ

'Nuff said...

NH Libertarians Are Crazy

2005-04-26T14:16:00.000-04:00

Self-confessed "townie" libertarians from Lebanon, West Lebanon, Enfield, and CROYDON gathered on the Green yesterday, protesting for the right to vote in the ongoing trustee elections. When approached, a group of libertarians growled and climbed a nearby tree on the lawn of Parkhurst. Onlookers were given a startle when one of the libertarians leapt from the tree, only to fall a few feet and hang from the tree by rope tied around his hands. Shouting "I don't feel free!" the two libertarians still in the tree began to beat him with sticks. Presumably, the man was taking the popular license plate credo too seriously, and was ready to "Live Free Or Die" as the mantra suggests. Luckily for that libertarian, VP of Alumni Development Greta Corningstone sprinted from her office in Parkhurst, offering the rabid libertarian a ballot as he was shouting for a noose to be tied around his neck.

Advantage Thurston!

2005-04-26T14:06:00.000-04:00

Joe Malchow '08 writes on Joe's DartBlog:

I had no idea that Lorin Maazel has a new opera coming out. It's 1984, after Orwell's classic. I've never heard the music of Maazel, and sadly won't be in London (it premieres on May 3rd at Covent Garden) anytime soon. But I'm sure expectations are high.

Even though you "sadly won't be in London" (I suppose you sojourn there often, young Malchow?) I will be touring Europle in the middle of the term for no reason whatsoever! It is what young men of privilege do nowadays! En guarde Malchow, bring your best as we duel at the 'ole Covent, my darling Covent Garden, May 3rd. First blood drawn from the torso! Oh wait...Looks like you can't go. Why that's unfortunate.